Thursday, August 26, 2010

Persecution sucks!!

Guns should be outlawed.

In fact any kind of weapon should be outlawed.

In point of fact anything remotely sharp and/or pointy that could be used as a weapon, should be illegal to make, own, or use. Specifically anything that that could even remotely possibly destroy a head or sever it from a body should be outlawed.

This whole mouth breather/zombie relations thing is not going well. I mean, look at all of the strides people have made in equal rights and religious tolerance. Heck, in some places they allow same sex marriages. Now there's an example of tolerance right there. But, what about us who are living challenged? What do we get? That's right, you guessed it, persecution with extreme prejudice.

Here's an example. This happened to me yesterday.

My buddy Dave and I decided to go downtown to wander and moan for a bit. Neither of us had been out for a while and we thought maybe we could score some brains while we were out. We figured we'd hit the mall which is the best place to wander and moan because of the accoustics and because mouth breathers seem to show up there with great frequency. They also have a great pet store and Mr. Piddles was getting low on food. (Mr. Piddles is my cat).

So, anyway, there we are wandering and moaning with all the other zombies, when out of nowhere, we hear gunshots and the heads of the nice zombie couple we'd met in the hat store both just kinda exploded.

Now, I don't know about you, but that kind of rude interruption into my day really cheesed me off. I'm pretty sure it ruined the nice couples day too. One would think that having your head exploded would also make it hard to shop for hats. Anyway, since zombies, really aren't prone to panic and gunshots are usually good indicators of a snack on the go, Dave and I started heading in the direction that the other zombies went.

Zombies in small groups are fine, but get a bunch of us together and you've got a moaning, stumbling, out of control traveling mosh pit. It took Dave and I a few minutes to finally be able to see what was going on. It looked like a bunch of breathers were trying to get something at the Hot-Dog-On-A-Bun kiosk and a riot broke out. There was no way we were gonna be able to get any brains at that kiosk. The crowd was way too thick.

I saw a few zombies that I know kneeling down to help out a few of the breathers that had fallen. They were yelling stuff that I really didn't pay much attention to (something along the lines of "Noooo! Oh my God!!" and "Help us!" and "Don't eat my brains!!"). There was one breather standing up on the counter yelling the foulest things about zombies. It was obvious that he was a hater and had no actual zombie friends. It was this guy that got me started on my rant today. He was carrying a shotgun and a machete and going totally psycho on the crowd that had formed. After decapitating a few zombies that I didn't know and perforating a bunch more with his shotgun, the crowd finally managed to get him to calm down. At least I assume they did, since once they got him off the counter I didn't hear him yelling anymore. Well, except for the one high pitched scream, but that was probably someone suggesting that whole primal scream therapy or something.

So after that I got to thinking. How many times a day do zombies get persecuted like that? How many scenes just like that one go on around the world? If those people would just come to us with an open mind, we could sort out our differences in peace. Having an open mind sure would make eating brains waaayyy easier.

After that whole thing, I decided to go home. Dave wanted to stay and talk to the cute zombie girl he met. She was nice, not too badly decomposed and still had most of her hair and teeth. Me, I managed to get pus and blood on my shirt so I wasn't feeling too sexy. It's hard to meet girls when you're covered in yuck. Especially when it's your own yuck. I hope Dave got lucky.

To top it all off, I forgot Mr. Piddle's food. Boy was he mad. I had to let him nibble a bit off my foot to keep him from going hungry overnight.

Think I'll go on line and see if the guys are on WoW yet.